Setting boundaries - and how it changed my business and my life
It took me a longgg time to break out of the rut of being the YES girl. The girl who constantly tried to make everyone happy; the one who went along because the argument of saying NO was too mentally overwhelming; the girl who changed my schedule to meet someone else’s needs over and over and over. •
I was the girl who wrote nutrition plans for free and handed out free memberships to people to come to my struggling business, well, because they we’re “friends”.
It took years of watching people use me and take advantage of my kindness to the point I no longer liked who I was around them before I recognized the patterns and decided enough was enough. These “relationships” certainly weren‘t reciprocal. When I needed an anchor, where were these “friends”? 🧐 Not here. • When my business was being destroyed by a pandemic, these “friends” still needed meal plans and wanted access to my dying business; they needed things only I could give them. They wanted to still take from me the very things I passionately worked so hard to build; yet they just didn’t care or offer help or any kind of compassion for what I was facing.
In fact, some called me selfish and pouted that I never gave them enough individual attention while like others, I had to do my real job as a 2nd grade teacher from home and maintain an online virtual fitness studio and figure out how to take care of my large family stuck in an all too small house with a mound of bills no one offered to help me with.
Well this changes you.
Gradually as you figure it out (which you usually do), you begin to see the patterns and the toxic traits of the things that have held you down. You begin to set boundaries and reclaim your voice, and the very people who demanded all of you are now stuck in the middle between the old you and the new and improved you and the toxic crew you you had to leave behind.
They tell you in confidence you are right. That you should have done this years ago. That you needed to set those boundaries. They see your hurt. They sympathize. They try to demonstrate support UNTIL those very same people turn around and tell others how wrong you are and try to play both sides.
What they are really trying to do is walk some fine midline between what is and what was because it’s easier than standing up for someone who decided NOT to be the yes girl anymore.
It’s easier than calling someone out on their bullshit. Even if it’s you.
Make sure no one gets mad at you. Be friends with everyone. Stay in the middle.
Play both sides. Like every post and keep placating the very shit you told others was toxic.
What a crazy fcked up
world we live in that social media allows you to have zero ability to have a backbone or an opinion; to take a stand for something or to terminate toxic relationships because it’s taboo to unfriend someone.
I’m no longer afraid to block, delete, unfriend ANYONE who robs me of my joy. Block, block, blockity Block.
In addition, there is very little loyalty nowadays because it may require you taking a stand against popular opinion and whether it’s for me or against me - I respect your stance.
Just don’t lie to my face and say you are one place when in reality - you are drilling holes in the very boat we were rowing together.
You don’t need to be FOR me but then be on your way. Because I am FOR YOU. I have always been for you.
And if you are not for me, well, I guess you are against me. 🤷🏻♀️
Peace out. ✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼
Needless to say, the pandemic kicked my ass. Emotionally, financially and physically. BUT. I FINALLY decided life was too short to sit around and be the “YES” girl anymore. And ohhhhh, how the haters came when I decided to set some boundaries for me; for my energy and my mental health. Every one of them had an opinion about how you’ve changed. •
It’s a different tune when you advocate for you ~ When you distance yourself from the people who only wanted something from you and certainly didn’t care what you had going as long as they got what THEY needed.
They get mad.
They talk about you.
They play victim. They pretend how you wronged them because you were done trying jump through hoops so they’d stop showing up with their Friday night hungover party breath and their RBF and blame you for all of life’s troubles including their weight gain and their lack of motivation In life.
It’s ok though. Because life has a way of working that out for people who have no ability to do some hard internal work to change their life.
This woke me the FCK up and if any of this is relatable in your world, you should wake the FCK up too. •
Time had come to demonstrate my unbreakable in a whole new kind of way.
I can tell you this ~ setting boundaries; saying no and cutting people out of my life who don’t add positivity or joy to my heart ~ has been the most FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE, INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE.
I will no longer tell you what you want to hear. I will no longer allow you to put me in a place of inferiority or have you place your demands on my time and energy.
I am no longer afraid to tell you to go FCK yourself and you can take your possè with ya. ✌🏼✌🏼 I‘d much rather be alone than surrounded by the hole drillers.
When you set a boundary, you’re demonstrating that you care about yourself enough to honor your emotional needs. And when you communicate your need for a boundary, you’re conveying that you care about the other person enough to be honest about what your relationship needs to survive.
You don’t need to give in-depth reasons as to why you are setting a boundary. In fact, you’ll likely find that people who aren’t used to you asserting boundaries with them will resist your decision. You may be met with all sorts of mixed emotions—including your own.
Here’s a plan for communicating boundaries in an open, honest, and compassionate way: (or just block them and peace out... ✌🏼lol)
1. Choose a neutral setting and a good time to have the discussion.
If you have the conversation while the other person is driving in rush hour traffic or leaving their son‘s hockey game or right when they walk in the door after a stressful day at work, odds are they’ll be agitated and unreceptive. It’s not also a bad idea to speak for yourself and not become the middle man in a discussion you have nothing to do with. If it doesn’t directly involve you, zip your lips. You do not know what either party has been through.
2. I feel I feel I feel. LOTS of I feel statements because this is truly about how YOU feel.
3. Approach the subject of boundaries gently.
Bring up the subject in an open way ~ owning your own feelings instead of blaming them. Perhaps start with “I’ve been feeling really emotionally drained recently because I haven’t been clear about my needs and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of the expectation you have for me.”